PhD in Being Me

Tag: healing

  • Reconnecting to myself

    A bright orange sky with deep blue.
    Photo by NO NAME on Pexels.com

    Sometimes I hear my voice inside me and it’s loud and clear.

    Other times it’s like there is so much noise from the world that is making it harder to know who I am and where I stand.

    Today, I went for a walk in the woods and I heard the noise. I felt the worries. I wondered where I had gone to in the crowded space of my being. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just continuing onwards despite missing myself and wondering where I was.

    I really didn’t like that feeling, so I choked on a sob and spoke nicely to myself.

    I said, hey, whether all of this belongs to me or the world, I love you.

    No matter how overwhelmed, shattered, broken, scattered, afraid and numb you feel, I am with you.

    I thought of how complicated life can be, as well as how miraculous it can be, and I decided to care for myself no matter how I was experiencing it today. I remember saying something like, hey, whether you see the world from a glass half full or half empty perspective, I love you and you super matter to me.

    It seemed to simplify everything and made me feel calmer. Writing about my experiences and how full life is lately is really helpful too. It’s easy to think that everyone else has it good, and by writing, I aim to make others feel less alone in feeling things deeply. It also helps me feel less alone too, because I get to shine the light of my attention on my fears, worries and overwhelm.

    Where do you need some light today?

    If it’s for your heart, I send you much comfort, love, security, protection, caring and love.

    If it’s for your mind, I send you deep breaths, smiles, quiet, peace and serenity.

    If it’s for your body, I send you much balance, healing, nourishment and rejuvenation.

    If it’s for your spirit, I send you big high fives, because no matter what, you are rocking it, even if all you want to do is curl up in a ball. You’re here. You matter. I am cheering you on and smiling with you and for you.

    With every breath you take for the rest of today and the rest of your days, may you know how special you are and that you matter, even if you are having a hard time or life just isn’t going your way.

    I honour you and wish you super well.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

    ps. I used AI to generate the two images below. I’ve never done that before! The first one is my favorite and really represents what I wanted to convey to you, from my heart to yours.

    A solid red heart with angel wings.
    A pink sparkling heart with rainbow lights inside it.

  • Sometimes

    Artwork of brown sand moving to blue ocean.

    It is okay to slow down.

    It is okay to rest.

    It is okay not to compare oneself to others.

    It is okay (and a good idea) to smile when feeling down.

    It is okay to need help, to eat what doesn’t make you feel the best, and to laugh at the irony of life.

    Sometimes, we just can’t keep up anymore and we need to laugh at how hard we’ve been trying without even understanding why we’ve needed to.

    This is me today.  I am feeling quite physically exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome but somehow much lighter emotionally. 

    Sometimes when I am this tired, I get more anxious and teary.  That was how I felt yesterday, whereas today has started with some smiles, some self-validation and some light heartedness.

    Sometimes I just do the best I can and other times, I stop trying and relax more into myself, exactly as I am, and that brings me peace.  I also made a wise choice to start my day with a super healing meditation for trauma.

    No matter how you are feeling, even if you feel you are making all the wrong choices (I know that feeling!), I support and honour you.  There is definitely no one right way to live a life, so may you find little or big ways to celebrate and cheer yourself on as you live your unique experience.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Sitting with disappointment – a poem

    A winding path through the dense forest
    Photo by Anton Atanasov on Pexels.com

    Sitting with disappointment

    Here I am.
    Disappointed.

    I know disappointment is a part of life.
    I know that others will disappoint me
    And I will disappoint them.
    It doesn’t make it any easier when I’m feeling disappointed though.

    So here I am.
    Disappointed and writing about it.
    Writing about it helps me to be with my disappointment.
    To keep it company and to let it know
    That it is completely valid and allowed to be here.
    It also allows me to acknowledge that I am a human,
    And those who have brought on these feelings are human too.

    And with that, the sting of the disappointment lessens.
    We all do what we can and if it creates disappointment for us or others
    Then, maybe that’s okay.
    Maybe what’s really needed is to learn how to be with these uncomfortable feelings,
    With the “what if,” or “maybe this is why,” and the “only ifs.”

    To all of those who I have hurt, shamed, disappointed or angered, I am truly sorry.
    For you, and for me, I will sit with this disappointment and hold myself.
    I will honour my feelings and know that a caring smile directed towards my heart can help.
    A deep breath into my belly can help.
    Writing can help.
    And so can keeping myself company and loving each emotion as it arises.

    May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved

  • The burden I carry

    A hand holding up a lit up light bulb against a starry sky
    Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

    I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.

    In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.

    This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.

    And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.

    Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?

    No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Under the ice

    Broken chunks of ice floating in water

    Last week, I wrote a post that had me full of inspiration. I was feeling like I had been in a metaphorical block of ice and I was enjoying the process of melting.  I was feeling free, energized and whole, and it was glorious.

    But, the melting didn’t stop there.  Instead, I started feeling more numb, frozen and fragile. I realized that there was still more metaphorical melting that hadn’t happened yet. Instead, I was feeling what was still frozen under the surface layer of ice. 

    It’s fascinating trying to explain what my inner life is like. I am very sensitive and self-aware, and sometimes, it can be very overwhelming, including this time around.

    So, I went for a walk in the woods and cried.  I walked some more and cried more. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to hold space for these frozen states of my beingness.  And so, I admitted that to myself and asked for guidance about how I could help myself.

    After the walk, I found myself inspired to do some outdoor chores and move my body around a lot. I did that yesterday too.  This morning the feelings got more intense, like they were amplifying, and I felt myself wanting to keep busy so I could distract myself. Luckily, I noticed and sat with my discomfort and talked to my lovely husband about it.  All of that helped.

    Under the ice, there was more that needed my care and attention. I needed to witness those feelings and be with them as they thawed from that frozen place.  I don’t expect this to be the last time I will do this for myself, and I imagine it will feel and be different every time.

    This week taught me to be more compassionate, gentle and patient with myself, even though all I wanted was to run away from myself.  The spring equinox has passed and it has guided me through my own spring equinox. 

    May this post help all readers who are in need of some self-compassion to turn within and be a witness to their vulnerability. 

    Thanks for reading. May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Melting

    A tray of ice cubes with flames on top.

    This morning when I woke up, I thought of melting.

    I had an image in my mind of me being in an ice block and how I have been thawing out and melting away those layers of hardness and rigidity that I was aware of but couldn’t just push or wish away.  It appears I needed to deeply feel my pain and the resulting rigidity, and I needed time to process, rest and heal.

    Sometimes in the spring, as everything thaws, I feel very exposed and vulnerable.  This makes sense, as I have been going through a lot of emotional healing and turmoil.  So when I woke up and saw that imagery in my mind of melting ice, I felt great.  It made me feel like I have survived a very delicate and difficult time in my life and that I am emerging from a frozen and in process-type of state.

    As with all feelings, I tend to think it’s going to last forever.  Like when I was so sick a few weeks ago, I was sure I was never going to get better.  And today, I feel reborn and renewed, and I want this feeling to last forever.  I honour that desire, as who wouldn’t want to feel great more often than not?! 

    I believe that’s where I am learning to cultivate more compassion for myself.  Compassion for the one who wants constancy, and good health.  For the one who loves feeling empowered over broken down yet again.  For the one who wants to pre-select aspects of my human experience, as opposed to being open to experiencing it all, no matter if it’s what I would choose or not.

    Wherever you are in your human experience, I honour you, no matter if you’re feeling broken down or uplifted.  I have found new courage and trust in life and in myself this morning, after many years of feeling super delicate, broken and deeply sad.  Maybe the glory of what I am feeling today is in direct proportion to the depth of the pain and difficulty I have experienced?  I don’t really know, but I hope my sharing helps you feel seen, witnessed and cared for, no matter what your inner and outer circumstances of life are.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Changing landscapes

    An intensely bright pink, early morning sky
    Early morning glory

    Today is the last day of 2023, and I am feeling self-reflective.

    I have long wanted to write about how the view outside of my front window changes depending on the time of day and the weather and season. The photo above is from early in the morning last week. I awoke to a warm pink glow through the curtains and I jumped up to grab my camera to capture the spectacular glory that I got the honour to witness.

    Early dawn light shining through trees on a cold winter morning.
    The same view on a different morning

    This photo is of the same view on a different day and is still lovely. The changing view reminds me that I don’t have to expect myself to always be the same. I may be able to shine my light brightly one day, and other days, it may still be bright, but shining at a different intensity, or perhaps more inward.

    I love how the view outside my window teaches me to treat myself with more compassion and gentleness. I don’t expect the view out of my window to be the same every day, so why would I expect that of myself?

    Even in the early, early morning, the view out of my window is spectacular. May that help us all to know how lovely we all are, even on days where we don’t feel our best or things aren’t going the way we hoped or needed them to.

    We learn different things through all the ways we feel and show up each day, and none are better or worse. They just are.

    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds.
    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds.
    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds
    The same view very early on a different morning

    So whether you are ready to seize the last day of 2023, or if you just want to stay in bed, you are lovely.

    Whether this has been a disastrous or painful year for you, or if you’ve had some fun through the hard times, I see you.

    No matter the changing landscape of circumstances and feelings in your life, you are very worthy of being seen and validated.

    May the changing view out your window remind you that change is guaranteed in our lives.

    May we all relax into change more freely and let go of judgment and expectations around who we should be at any moment and rest in how we are, with self-respect, love and care.

    May you be well. Thanks for reading and big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Snails are slow, and sometimes, so am I

    A close up image of a snail, with its two antenna extended and its shell in the background.
    Snails are so cute, they make me smile

    I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.

    When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.

    A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.

    I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.

    No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    A snail with a striped shell on a yellow flower
    You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life

  • When it all works out

    This beautiful art my husband made me sums up how I am feeling

    I love it when it all works out! I find it especially exciting after a time of deep fatigue, anxiety, stress, or tension (or all of them)! Maybe that’s the gift the contrast between the highs and lows of life gives us?

    This past weekend, I went to a beautiful family reunion, and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in over 30 years. There was so much delicious food that I didn’t eat because I was so happy hugging and talking. My heart was overflowing with love, and truly, there is no better feeling. It made my emotional and physical aches and pains melt away.

    Before going, I had decided to bring all of who I am now, instead of relating to everyone like I used to when I was a shy kid and an unsure teenager. I felt like I grew up a lot by making that choice, like I integrated and honored the many parts of me. This GIF represents how I feel more cohesive and organized within myself.

    I haven’t been sleeping as well since that time, almost like all of me is awake, revelling in the joy of the wonderful road trip with my family, an incredible reunion, and loving visit with my precious Dad. Even though I know there will be challenges ahead, I feel good and fortified. May this feeling last, and may we all be blessed with lovely, heartwarming experiences where it all works out.

    This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through. May you be inspired about how to best care for and enjoy who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. Big hugs!

    A simple flower with a text box with these words, "This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through.'

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.