I have really been enjoying feeling angry in the last month. I have a complicated relationship with anger…I used to shove it down….I used to be scared of what I would do if I got angry, so I wouldn’t let myself even feel it. The problem is that it was fermenting and boiling inside of me.
I am feeling really hopeful because it has been easier for me to feel anger, which is a fabulous step in giving myself permission to feel anger. It also will allow anger to signal to me when there is a problem, which is its beautiful and very important purpose.
I wrote the following as I was exploring these new feelings. May it help you in connecting with any feelings you have also denied, shut down or shoved down. Thank you for reading. May your heart be light ❤️.
“Here I am
Yet again
Motherf#$&<ng mad and resentful as shit.
It is overflowing from all over and within me and I hate it.
I don’t want to feel this way.
I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel like the way I want to feel.
But here it is anyway, this anger and resentment is overwhelmingly loud,
“What about me”
And
“Leave me alone” fill my being.
I can imagine where those loud feelings come from but I still hate them.
They are valid and completely fair, I just hate them anyway.
I feel like I become a monster with no limits, just a big gaping maw of anger and
this scares me.
I trust myself and I feel incredibly guilty after this crushing wave of anger but I still trust myself.
I wish I could trust the anger, trust what it is telling me about my needs to rest, put myself first and be still, but sometimes there is still life to live, so how do I balance it all?
How do I invite more joy in my life without being realistic that I don’t always have energy for those joy bringing activities?
Hmm, maybe it’s okay to get angry.
What if I only feel guilty because I think I shouldn’t get angry?
I love having boundaries. I love feeling them. I love knowing so easily now when one is being crossed and I need to take action. I f@#$ing love it.
So…the past 2 times I got angry, my boundaries of what is acceptable behavior were massively violated. And I got angry. I guess what I’d like to do is respond in a way that feels better, less reactive, and more in a way I can feel better about. Like using my anger as a guide and then taking it a step further and using that anger to power a more conscious response instead of a lashing out response. That feels good. Okay, great. Thanks anger and resentment for teaching me this important lesson. I really appreciate it. There are always options, eh? Xoxoxo”
© Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.
PhD in Being Me 