Destroyed

I wrote this poem in May 2021. I remember sitting and talking to someone as these realizations hit me and I knew I was witnessing my own destruction. I remember writing this and feeling soothed and knowing that I was okay, even as I was being destroyed. I remember knowing that everything, including me, was much more complex, deep and beautiful than I could ever understand and that it was okay that I didn’t understand.

I share this poem from my heart to yours. xoxoxoxo

Destroyed – a poem

Well, here I am.

I have built my life on trying to be a certain way so that I could avoid hurt and pain

And so I could avoid causing hurt and pain to others.

I have exhausted and controlled myself to achieve this and yesterday,

I was destroyed.

I was blown open.

Despite all of my efforts, things are still a mess.

I am still causing hurt and pain

And people will be as they will be.

I get it now.

I am not in charge.

I am not the boss.

I am the destroyed one who thought she could be in charge and who could be the boss.

I see now that I am broken and the only option I have now

Is to have faith and trust in my life’s purpose

That only the universe is the boss of.

I am done.

I am destroyed.

I am broken

And that is exactly the way I should be or I guess it wouldn’t have come to this.

Matt Kahn has this beautiful quote that goes something like this, “in order for me to become who I am destined to become, life couldn’t have happened any other way.”

So here I am, after what feels like lifetimes of trying, atoning, overcoming, exhaustion and panic,

And I am broken open and destroyed, so that must be what was meant to be.

The next steps are to be broken and destroyed and be open to all the inspiration, healing and clarity that surely has more room to do it’s magic.

One moment at a time, I will sit with myself, I will live my life,

And be, not try.

I can envision myself being so vulnerable, so open, so constant and yet in flux,

Which I guess is exactly what a human life is.

Constant, yet in flux.

Broken, yet healed.

Loving, yet with hateful thoughts.

It’s funny because as I write this, I see that I’m not destroyed,

It’s everything that I have thought I am that’s been destroyed and

What is left is me, sitting here within myself,

Naked,

Reborn

and freed.

With every breath I take, may I embrace the destruction of the constructs I thought I was and may the deeper me have more room to emerge.

May the broken concepts and constructs of me continue to dissolve with my utmost admiration, appreciation and respect for the journey we have gone through together

And may my sweet heart and body know I adore them no matter what and that I am here,

Loving myself, loving them, and being it all.

© Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.