I am different lately. Turning 46 has been a big one for me. I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around. My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.
I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time. I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years). I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that.
I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country. I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come. I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.
I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life. I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.
I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country. I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs. None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46. My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief. Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long? I wonder 🌸🌟.
Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done. You have made it. No matter what the future holds, I am with you. Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all. Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it. I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.
Big hugs, xoxo ❤️, Bradlee
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.
PhD in Being Me 