Incubation

Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.

It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.

Incubation

Over the last seven years
I have felt myself slowly dying.
My muscles have been drained of energy
Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life.
My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress.
My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety.  There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace.
I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying.
I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life?
I don't have the answer to this question.
I just know that I can feel the balance shifting.  I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles.
I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile.
I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen.
The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought.
I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape.  I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot.  I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear.
Is it wrong that I have needed this time?
No.
Should it have been faster?
No.
Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life?
No.
Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time?
Yes.
What made me stop doing that?
Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was.
I have been dying and being reborn over and over again.  My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready.
Ready for what?
To thrive.
To share 
To uplift.
To support and to give love.
To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment.
May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all.  
With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is.  
May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel.  May you be held from within and outside of you.

Thanks for reading.

© Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved