Who am I waiting for?

I wrote the words below in May 2019. I often wrote emails to myself, to try to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I find that easier than writing in a journal. I am so humbled to read these words, there I was, so broken after my mom had suddenly died a few months later, but so ready to acknowledge what I needed and craved, and what was holding me back. I honor the me I was then, and then me I am now, and the me I am becoming. As you read this, may it inspire you to love, honor, witness and validate yourself, from the inside out. I honestly think that learning to do this over the past few years is what gave me the strength to recognize my Breaking Point and to find out what was Beyond the Breaking Point. I know I’ll have many more breaking points, and that’s okay. As long as I keep myself company through them, I know I’ll be alright.

With love,

Bradlee

Who am I waiting for?

I often notice myself talking to other people in my head.

It’s like I’m trying to seek help or validation from them regarding my experiences.

While I am grateful to have the help and support of many people, I have a feeling that I am still so desperate to be witnessed, heard, seen and validated.

I’m aware that it may not be a bad thing to want support and validation, but there is something about it that feels like it’s trying to teach me something.

I often imagine myself having conversations with the grief counselor or naturopath that I have been seeing and I’m asking them for their insights on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and what it all may mean.

As I’m writing this, I’m starting to feel a bit nauseous and teary, so I believe I am on the right path.

I still find it so hard to believe that I am a good person, that I am making healthy and wise choices, that others appreciate me, that I am a beautiful healer, that I am so acutely and wonderfully aware of what is going on within me and that I’m not broken.  I do think that is why I have those conversations in my head.

What might I need to feel the greatness I already am and to see how healthy, beautiful, kind, smart, wise and empathically awesome I already am?

Whose approval am I really looking for?  Is it from all the people in my life who didn’t have it to give, because they didn’t even know how to appreciate and approve of themselves?

Yes, there is no doubt that the lack of their approval was hurtful and left me seeking so much externally.  But I know that there is more.

I know that I am really missing myself and the ability to be a witness to myself, from the inside out. 

It’s like I haven’t know how to be grounded within myself and as a result, I’ve been outside myself for a very long time and I’m missing myself.

I want to be grounded. I want to have my own experience of life. I want to develop my inner compass so that I follow its guidance and direction to what is best for me, instead of what I have done for so long, looking outside of myself and at others for answers.

I really feel like I am deeply healing at this time and that it is my time to reclaim my health and vitality on all levels and dimensions of myself and to rise up as the beauty I already am and sing and dance and live boldly and confidently.  As I step across the stage of my life into the light, may I give myself the time and patience I need to get stronger within and throughout all of me, so that I may walk as a vortex of light on this planet, pulling in everything that is meant to return home to heaven, for the well-being of all humanity.  May all aspects of me be healed, blessed and transformed so that I may live out my life’s purpose in all of its glory.

© Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.