Numb

I remember it
Walking through life empty
A shell of myself
With no hope for life to be any different

I remember the terrible loneliness
The sense that everyone else had it figured out but me
The longing to have a purpose and an existence greater than the numbness
But thinking that was reserved for others

I have felt this numb emptiness many times in my life and it is back for a visit

It reminds me of how hard everything can be
And how hopeless
I am an outsider in my own life and everyone is looking in and seeing me
So desperately alone and lost
But continuing their lives with full, happy hearts

This numbness is like a little baby bird that fell out of the nest instead of launching itself into flight, ready for life

This numbness reminds me that a part of me is in desperate need of being loved, witnessed and seen, just as it is.

This numbness is calling to me asking me for validation instead of burying it deeper, while I focus on my to do list

This numbness is my innocence crying out to me about how lost and shattered it is, asking me, begging me to stop, to breathe. To reach down tenderly and caress it and coddle it before bringing it to the cozy nest in my heart.

Thank you dear precious numbness. Thank you for reminding me how long it’s been since we have connected. Thank you for reminding me how hard life is when you take the lead and I haven’t nurtured you to a loving, hand holding place by my side.

Thank you numbness for reminding me that our world is rapidly changing, shattering and breaking down so we can all learn to walk hand in hand with our pain, numbness, innocence and vulnerability. Thank you precious numbness. I love you.

Note from Bradlee: I felt so much better after writing this. One of my goals is to write about the things we don’t often talk about. There is a freedom in doing that and it is my honor to share so deeply about my experience of life. I think there are times when we all feel numb, worthless, scared, ashamed, etc., and I don’t think we can avoid those times. I believe it’s more about what we do when we feel like that. This writing is my way of comforting and acknowledging my numbness. May it lighten the load of numbness and pain for all. Thank you for reading.

© Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved