Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here. Please read with care 💖.
This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up.
I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted.
I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.
To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above. It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above. It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.
I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain. I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me. This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world.
This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences. To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).
The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself. My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process. How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones? Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life. It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower.
And so, I will take a deep breath. I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there. I breathe again. And again. And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe. And I breathe again.
I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above. I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me. And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.
One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me. I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.
With love and care, Bradlee
PhD in Being Me 