That cynical edge

I wrote this poem in January 2019. I was going through a tough time with my mental and physical health, and there were several other challenges in my personal and professional life. I was learning so much about being an empath and how to thrive despite everything I was feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like I was thriving, but this poem showed my dedication to figuring it out, which makes my heart smile.

Reading this poem reminds me how much more complex life is for people who feel deeply and who are empaths. It also reminds me how courageous the most sensitive of souls are each day, and it gives me hope for transforming our planet with light, love and sensitivity. Big hugs!

That cynical edge

I have been trying so hard not to become cynical.

I have railed against the cynicism, doubts and anger that have filled my world and

I have done my best to push it away.

It has slowly crept up on me, climbing up my legs, and weaving itself

around me, stealthily and purposefully and it has me around the neck.

It is choking me and infecting my brain and soul.

I no longer trust in the good of all.

I no longer know what I trust in.

I am a stupid leaf being blown by the wind and now I’ve once again

landed in the cesspool of humanity’s pain.

Why do I keep ending up here?

I hate it here.

I get it.

We are suffering, we have suffered, it seems like we will keep suffering.

How is it helping me to be a little leaf blowing from circumstance to circumstance?

How it is that I am getting deeper and deeper into the cesspool when there is so much good in my life?

What steps can I take to trust in the good once again?

What do I need in order to trust in the good once again?

How many hugs am I feeling like I missed out on?

How many kind words am I longing to hear?

How many times do I need to be acknowledged and witnessed until I can once again trust the good in all, including in myself?

How is it that my self-worth is still tied up in receiving those things?

What might I need to break all the cycles of abuse, within and without, so that trust and love may rise up again within me as the default operating system?

What was that dream teaching me when I was a little girl?

What was it teaching me to see Mother Mary alone in a big and empty hospital waiting room?  She was alone and scared and she was about to give birth to Jesus, but she was so alone.  I had that dream several times and I’ve never forgotten it.  How may I assist myself and our planet in healing, transforming and resolving the extreme loneliness that has led to the creation and deepening of the cesspool of humanity’s exceptionally exquisite pain that seems ready to burst in every aspect of our planet?

How may I transition from being the pain and not trusting anything to being the one to bring light to the cesspool for the wellbeing of all?

May the guidance come from within my great big heart and may it come quickly and effortlessly to help me with my mission.

I know I’ll never drown in the cesspool, but it’s time to transform it.

May it be transformed into the golden waters of Heaven where all may come to be nourished, healed, blessed and transformed instead of where people come to commiserate with others in the pain and darkness of their everyday existence.

© Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved