All of me, holding hands, walking together

I don’t know about you, but it’s been a battleground, with lots of carnage, hurt and despair inside me for a long time.  I have felt the parts of me that were locked away, other parts that have kept them there, others that have been fighting to be heard, recognized and taken care of and others that have been exhausted trying to create peace and understanding within me. 

Living with a chronic illness for a long time now only amplified that, but the good news is that it’s getting better.  My inner landscape is less of a battleground, and more like my parts are working together to clean up the mess and create a healthy environment. 

I remember when I was in grief counselling after my mom died in 2019 and my counsellor said something like, “you’ve done such great work, you’ve been pulling the weeds out of your garden, taking care of the soil and planting new seeds.  It’s going to be amazing as the garden grows, keep doing this work.” 

I can honestly say that I agree with her.  I’ve done many forms of therapy for over 20 years and it’s really helped.  I understand myself more and it’s helped me recognize that battleground, and reach out to the parts of me that were hurting so much.  I’ve become more of a compassionate ambassador within myself and we’re signing peace treaties and memorandums of understanding for how we’d like to move forward, together.

I always thought that I needed to contain and lock away certain parts of myself to be safe and to get the care and attention I craved, but that very innocent strategy didn’t work out.  If anything, it’s kept me fractured and living in more turmoil, but that’s okay.  The more I learn from therapy, the more I see that these were coping and survival strategies and I get the chance to do differently moving forward.

I can sometimes sense the little Bradlee’s feeling taken care of, or screaming out if there is a big trigger, and I’m learning that I am what I need.  I am the one who can notice my inner distress and take care of myself and ask for help.  I am the expert in being me, even though I am always learning more. 

Ahhhh, deep breath.  I am what I’ve been looking for.  I am the one who can choose to walk with my most hurt, vulnerable and angry parts instead of keeping them locked away.  I am the one who can remember all that I’ve been through and choose to treat myself with kindness and compassion, instead of continuing the cycle of shaming and belittling and telling myself just to get over it. 

Yes.  Here I am, all parts of me, reaching out to all of me, holding hands, walking together.  Meeting at the start of a new trail through life, smiling at each other, and knowing that everything in my life has led to this point.  I am uniting, across time and space, no parts of me left behind, to walk across the former battlefield and see all the beauty that now occupies the place that was full of terror, fear, anger, shame and sadness. 

We are glorious and we are together.  We are uniting.  We are me, all of me.  Is there still sadness, pain and shame?  Yes.  Will there always be?  Likely, but we’ll face it together and hold space for those difficult feelings as they arise.  And we’ll look inward and outward at all the beauty we’ve cultivated and worked so hard for, and that will carry us through. 

May you be well, 💕 Bradlee

©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.